


Bilbo Baggins has Something to Say

by Salvia_G



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, M/M, the artist formerly known as crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-08
Updated: 2013-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-07 20:17:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/752627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salvia_G/pseuds/Salvia_G
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the title says:  Bilbo Baggins has something to say (and Thorin Oakenshield had better listen).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bilbo Baggins has Something to Say

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I own nothing, not Tolkien's lovely _The Hobbit_ nor the Peter Jackson films inspired by the book; and I am grateful for the chance to play in Middle Earth's playground too.
> 
> Inspired by the following excerpt from J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit."
> 
> “You! You!” cried Thorin, turning upon him and grasping him with both hands. “You miserable hobbit! You undersized—burglar!” he shouted at a loss for words, and he shook poor Bilbo like a rabbit.  
> “By the beard of Durin! I wish I had Gandalf here! Curse him for his choice of you! May his beard wither! As for you I will throw you to the rocks!” he cried and lifted Bilbo in his arms.  
> “Stay! Your wish is granted!” said a voice. The old man with the casket threw aside his hood and cloak. “Here is Gandalf! And none too soon it seems. Put him down, and listen first to what he has to say.”
> 
> “You all seem in league!” said Thorin dropping Bilbo on the top of the wall. “Never again will I have dealings with any wizard or his friends. What have you to say, you descendant of rats?”
> 
>  
> 
> This is what happened next.

 

What had Bilbo to say?  What could Bilbo have to say?

 

Bilbo hopped off the wall and kicked Thorin Oakenshield in the shins.  Sturdy Hobbit feet are good for more than walking, and Thorin grunted in pain.  He leaned forward a bit; perhaps to shake the Hobbit once more.  Bilbo jumped up and hit Thorin’s nose with the top of his head.

 

Then, wisely, he scuttled back out of reach.  Oin gingerly offered Thorin a wet rag for his bloody nose.

 

Bilbo waited a moment.  “For once in your long life, Thorin Oakenshield,” he said.  “Listen properly, because I do have something to say, and it is this—“ he waited until Thorin nodded once sharply.

 

“My patience wears thin, thief,” he said.  “Speak quickly.”  And he placed a hand on Orcrist’s handle.

 

Bilbo Baggins, however, was half Took; and he had spent some months on the road with this particular surly Dwarf.  His eyes narrowed.  He stepped forward again, and poked Thorin Oakenshield, King under the Mountain, right in his chest.

 

“You,” he said, (poke) “are the stupidest Dwarf alive.” (poke) “You did not do this on your own, Thorin Oakenshield,” (poke) “and I venture to say that you couldn’t have done it at all without a whole host of non-Dwarves, (poke) you stubborn fool.” 

 

He turned and began to pace back and forth as Thorin stood in stunned silence.

 

“One,” he said out loud as he counted on his fingers (Fili and Kili counted on their fingers with him).  “is Gandalf.  You would not have made it past the Trolls, various Orcs, or Goblins without him.”  He stopped, and held up his second finger.  “You would have been killed by Orcs were it not for Radagast and an Elven patrol.  You would not know about the secret door into the mountain without Lord Elrond’s translation.  Without the Great Eagles, you would be eaten by Wargs.”  He paced, then stopped, again, holding up his sixth finger.  Kili and Fili seemed to have lost track.  “You would be trapped here with an angry Dragon had Bard not killed him.” 

 

Bilbo seemed to think that it was time to go back to poking.  Fili and Kili didn’t seem sure how to count that.  “And finally, oh King of the stupid Mountain,” he said, “if it were not for me, Azog would have killed you.  If it were not for me, you would still be rotting in the Elf King’s dungeon’s.  If it were not for me, you would have none of this gold that has made you so greedy!”

 

Bilbo panted, seeming out of breath after his long rant.  Thorin Oakenshield, King under the Mountain, stared at him for a long time.  He opened his mouth.  Bilbo held up his hand.  Thorin closed his mouth.

 

“You would have nothing or you would be dead or you would be dead with nothing, Thorin,” Bilbo said.  “So when those you have trusted this long way and these many months tell you that you are a STUPID IDIOT WHO IS MAKING A STUPID IDIOTIC MISTAKE, it would behoove you to listen to them!”  He stamped his foot.  “And there is plenty of gold to share, Thorin Oakenshield, King under the brain-draining Mountain.”

 

The King under the Mountain turned away.  “Take him,” he said to Gandalf.

 

Bilbo sucked in an angry breath, then went, climbing up and over the wall and down to where Gandalf stood.  Gandalf drew him into a fatherly embrace.

 

Then, the King under the Mountain curtly signaled to several of his company.  After he gave them quiet instructions, some ran down to the hoarded gold to bring some up while some began to set up a system of pulleys.

 

“The Men and the Elves shall have their gold,” said Thorin, “and then they shall go home.  Should they wish to parley in future, I hope they shall not bring an army; but if they do, we shall be ready.”  He paused.  “As for the Hobbit, his share shall stay here, in the mountain.”  Bilbo nodded.  He seemed to have expected this, but he did not expect the next words, which the Dwarf king spoke directly to him.

 

“Get yourself to the Shire, Bilbo Baggins,” he said.  “And draw up your affairs there as best you can:  make a will and dispose of your home and your belongings.  For before this next summer turns to autumn, Dwarves will come to escort you back to this Mountain.”  Upon hearing these words, Bilbo was shaking and pale.

 

Thorin’s eyes narrowed and his voice thundered low and rolling down the mountain.  “And when you return, Bilbo Baggins, you will make amends for your words this day, and you will marry me forthwith.”  No one seemed to have expected this, though Fili and Kili seemed excited at the news.  “For none but a spouse will speak to me that way, so a spouse you will be.”

 

If Bilbo’s words were true on that day, well; so did Thorin’s prove to be.  And if the fights were epic, well.

 

So was the makeup sex.


End file.
